We Love You Already

There is so much that can happen in the lifetime ofhuman beings to guide or change their character. Reflecting on a single point in time as to when something might have changed the path or made a better outcome is a fool’s game. I will have to come to accept my part in every decision I made that caused me to arrive at this day, in this body, with these circumstances.

One of the things I cannot, nor would not change are the conditions regarding my birth. I was not a love child, although I have many times called myself that to exaggerate the relationship between my parents. I was not a creation brought into existence from a genuine bond of love between romanticized parents. Not all children have the luxury of that wonderful planning and preparation. Most do not.

However this is not about me. It is about another bond of love. It was years, no decades, before I knew the whole truth about the circumstances of my birth and conception, my true biological parentage. My child didn’t have to worry about those things. I was married to his father and we were together. At 21 years old it shouldn’t have been a surprise that a baby would come along eventually if it wasn’t prevented, but a surprise it was.

A country as wide as a continent laid between this young pregnant girl and the one person she felt could advise, confide, and have compassion for in empathy for the conditions. The universe wasn’t big enough to hold all the fear of rearing a child, much less birthing one without my mother being present. She was too far away. Or I was too far from her with no means to change destiny before the blessed birth.

One of the great things about my mother was her ability to put onto paper some meaningful words that could move one in hard times to have better outcomes. It is a gift, a talent, she has bestowed upon me and my babies as well. Now, as this ancient wise loving woman, lays in bed waiting to draw her last breaths, there is too much time to reflect on so many of the puzzling, creative, and truly inspiring things she spoke to me in my 54 years of life. I kept her letters. I trained my children to keep her written words as sacred as the scriptures she quoted to us so often.

Today I share her first words to her first grandchild. The baby she waited for with love and honor, from afar in physical distance, and near in heart, soul, thought, and prayer. Her own words are more eloquent that anyone would paraphrase or summarize. For me it was a deeply moving experience the very first time I read them. It still is more moving now than ever. I don’t know how I will ever cope without her.

Yet we all already do, everyday cope, and continue in the example she set. I would ask one to pray for her, but she has decided her fate. She is tired and is waiting for her own prayers to be answered. My wish is peace and love. Just like she taught us from afar.

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